My Virtual Diary

Yesterday was my first day of formal classes.  Recalling our orientation day last week, we were greeted “Welcome!….. to hell”, with a matching smiling face.  The expression was a mixture of scare, challenge, warmth, support and uncertainty.  During our chitchat with our prof yesterday, we tackled on our roadmaps.  He threw back a question to us “Hindi kaya ako lasing nung nag-enrol ako sa course na to?”.  We all laughed.  For me nde ako lasing nun.  I even cried for it.  (and the rest, aside from my classes, is history).  My blog is somehow a history.  My first blog entry about this endeavor started sometime in April 2005 entitled Fingers Crossed. Nagpapadasal pa ako nun sa friend ko. (Hay remembering my dear. In fairness he was that almost ideal friend. Tinopak nga lang xa. Ewan ko ba. Ano ba kc problema nya. Sana naman he’ll openly share it to me once and for all. Sobrang nasaktan ako eh.)   (Unfortunately, it can’t be seen now when you click my blog url.  Obsolete ones are put into archive.)  The root of it didn’t really start that time.  It started from my childhood.  It was not a primarily-devoted dream.  Inclination lang naman.  An inclination due to the influences of people around me, things inside the house and my being me.  During my short-period of working and teaching at ‘somewhere’ and that was during my ‘struggle moment too’, I resourcefully secured a book ‘International Business’ and a magazine ‘International Management’.  Yes I obtained it from the hinterlands of Mindanao.  Hehehe.  Dala-dala ko yun until now.  I didn’t really know that time how am I going to use it and for what purpose.  All I knew was magagamit ko xa in the future.  Time came, naisip ko na gusto ko palang mag-aral.  Because of that book, I searched for its curriculum in the different schools/colleges/universities here.  The first one I found was Assumption College.  It was a full time undergrad degree.  Fine.  Game ako.  One nice thing was that dun nag grad c president.  So it must be good.  (Parang line ng sieko films yun ah.  It’s from Seiko, it must be good?  Hehehe).  So I weighed things.  I was very very decided then.  I informed my mom about it and she was astonished of what I was going to do.  I said that’s fine.  She was more worried.  Later I was also worried but not that much.  I don’t exactly remember the reason why it wasn’t feasible.  Oh yes I remember.  I found a better program in dlsu sa taft (loyal to greens?  Hehe).  Weigh things again.  Kaso nde umobra ang loyalty eh. Tsaka malayo.   I browsed Ateneo.    Pero nde pa rin nag-appeal saken. Next was u.p. Nde pa rin.   Until, na-search ko ang ua&p.  The last one na sinearch ko.  The program is just so right.  Konting effort lang to recall all my mathematics subjects starting hi-skul.  Naalala ko yung I discreetly cried sa battalion during our CAT (nag-quit pala ako nun kc nde alam ng dad ko na nag-advance officership training ako).  An officer, who happened to be my class seatmate, unjustly punished me..  He humiliated me.  Pagka-Monday, I did not let him sit beside me.  Nagpapaturo xa saken ng statistics eh!  Then partner ko rin xa sa ballroom dancing namen sa p.e.  Naghanap ako ng ibang partner.  Wahahaha.  One month na walang kibuan yata yun.  Hehehe.

To make it short, my search has materialized.  Andito na ako.  Ang layo ng pinanggalingan ko ha.  Pati yung libro ko.  Galing bundok pa yun.  Hehehe. 

I did not discount the idea of searching schools from abroad.  PSU’s (in U.S.) and AUP’s (in France) programs appeal to me.  Pero mas matimbang saken ang PSU.  They cater to Asia setting eh.  Jurisdiction ko ang Asia & Oceania continents, so tama lang.  Nice subjects din kc meron xang international relations and political science.  This is a remote plan though.  Optional na to.  This is part of my time frame pero hello optional nalang please, not a must.  Time to get down afterwards and stay homy.  Time to hone my craft in cooking?  Well, I am not a hands-on expert but I have a burning passion of it.  Teka, sino ba tasters ko?  Classmates again?  At shempre, sports, to keep me fit. 

My friends occasionally ask me kung bakit nga ba gusto kong mag-aral. Eh….isn’t it a good vice? Hehe. Wala akong magawa eh. Tsaka, as they say, it’s a good investment. Yes it is. Nde pa manenenok.

July marks the anniversary of the horrible project that I gutsily got into.  It began on July of last year.  It was the time after the peak of my depression.  I was depressed because I did not get what I wanted.  That was to enroll myself to school last year so that I will finish on 2007.    I begged for extensions of deadlines.  I worked it out like crazy.  I gave my all, I flew back & forth all the way to Vis-Min just to comply with the requirements.  The adjustment I made when I was passed onto the more fit curriculum for me, the mental preparation of the essays & interviews, the financial preparations I had been doing few months before the appointment, the joy I felt when I passed & was accepted, etc etc etc.  All went to NOTHING when I was not allowed to push through my studies.  I was so devastated at that time.  I spent the money on shopping and ate beyond my needs and wants.  Nevertheless, my ire was pacified when my friend comforted me.  I was consoled and reminded that there is always next time.  That was the happiest moment I experienced that year with a friend.  I did not expect that this friend of mine will be the person who’ll leave a painful mark in me.  By the way, prior to last year, I underwent to very significant struggles.  Struggles which I consider now offset by where and what I am now.  It was not easy indeed. 

During my period of depression last year, I decided to indulge my heart more than my brain.  Provided that, I leave the fundamental values in my brain.  I went to so many places.  I nurtured my desire to travel, to play, to laugh a lot, to like a lot and to admire a lot.  It’s a strategy of staying away from depression, right?  During those heydays, I asked myself, ano pa ba ang kaya ko or nde ko kaya?  Considering those difficult experiences I dealt with, ano pa ba ang nde ko kaya?  I am so blessed with many many things be it material or non-material.  So I set myself to a project that will last for one year and I set someone as a subject.  That subject was my friend.  It was during the time that I was an "out-of-school youth".  Like I said above "…to like a lot and to admire a lot."  Twas a risk I took.  Who knows it would be something significant.  We only live once.  Twas a gamble.  I was self-assuring that I had a lot of emotional insulators to fall back whenever the consequence is not pleasant.  To shortcut it, I swallowed my pride, I went with the flow, I had a flowchart at the back of my mind with all the "what if I do this, what if I do that" stuff.  Nothing negative heard from me.  But instead, I heard and felt negative things about me from my friend and my friend’s friend.  But I continued my project.  I wanted to get natural reactions; THEIR natural reactions.  Twas like I was having an immersion.  No, not not like.  Twas really an immersion.  I wanted to discover the natural tendencies of the person.  I wanted to know how my subject responds to situations (to my mock situations).  As time progressed, I was gradually hurt.  I was blamed.  I was perceived to be that image that I have no plans and thought of being it.  I was answered with illogical and silly reasons.  I was made dumb, (as if naman I was not aware).  I discovered the devil inside my subject.  I wanted to finish it.  I wanted to finish it because I knew the project will end.  I knew I had a time frame.  I knew the situation was fake or shall I say my side of situation was fake but my subject’s side of situation was real.  Yes, my subject was in a real situation.  He had a problem.  A serious problem.  Pero sa bandang huli, I was hurt and I was in great pain.  Great pain because I learned that it was how my friend responds to a situation; it was how he treats someone including me; it was how he views serious things, it was how he reasons out.  It was most likely that he would do the same thing to me as what he did to person he hurt at first.  I sympathize for that person.  I empathize for her pa. I felt the same way sa project na yun.  Can’t he see the trend?  Can’t he realize that there must be something wrong with him?  Twas really really disgusting.  Then I was asked pa bakit daw nde ako nagalit.  Nde nya lang alam na pinostponed ko lang ang galit ko because of that project.  I have this delayed anger.  Oo nga, project lang yun.  Temporary, fake.  Sana nga fake lang din ang pain.  Pero nde eh.  Totoo ang pain eh.  My emotional stability was shaken.  Kung anu-ano nalang ang ginawa ko to revenge.  Napahamak ko pa sarili ko.  Nakarinig pa ako ng impression na nde ko naman inexpect.  That is why ganun nalang ang galit ko sa previous blog ko.  Oh well, I look forward to that big day.  Hopefully that will come in the future. 

I realized na nde ko kaya ang ganung tao.  Nde ko kaya ang kanyang reasoning.  Nde ko kaya ang ganung treatment.  Nde ko kaya ang ganun situation.  Nawalan ako ng landas for a while.  Venturing into that kind of project is unconventional for me.  I wanted to get back on the track.  I knew I will.  Nonetheless, that immersion gave me lessons.  One, "God uses problems to CORRECT me.  Some lessons we learn only through pain and failure.  It’s likely that as a child yourparents told you not to touch a hot stove.  But you probably learned by being burned.  Sometimes we only learn the value of something…health, money, relationships…by losing it"…It was the best thing that could have happened to me, for it taught me to pay attention to your laws."  Psalm 119:71-72.  Second, "God uses problems to PROTECT me.  A problem can be a blessing in disguise if it prevent you from being harmed by something more serious.  What man intended to harm me, God intended it for good…" Genesis 50:20

The lesson I can give to that person na walang pakundangan is that God uses problems to DIRECT him.  Sometimes God must light a fire under you to get you moving.  Problems often point us in a new direction and motivate us to change.  God is trying to get your attention.  Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make us change our ways".  And here’s the basic one:  Do things right the first time. 

One more thing…Do you know what makes us different from other animals?  We are given rational thinking. Unfortunately, what I witnessed were animalistic attitudes.  I guess it’s self-explanatory.  I’m sorry.  I expected too much.  Next time, no more.  I will expect less.  Everyone makes mistakes.

I missed the friendship.  I missed his moral support.  But that was long ago.  If I recall it, I can’t avoid to doubt that friendship & moral support whether or not, it was a front to prey me and be *** in the ****.  I can’t avoid to doubt whether or not that friendship & moral support were a strategy, a style.  Then that will make him shout, "Yes!  I am ****!"  In tagalog, "Yes! Ang ***** ko!"     My goodness, it’s disgusting. 

Speaking low, I’d like to settle.  Human as I am, this is my kind of ire.  I’m sorry.

Nauntug na xa nang malakas.  Sana naman matuto na xa.  Sana mag-mature na xa.  I am afraid for him.  Should he wait for another painful situation just to make him mature?  If he only knew what karma brings….